Doubt & feeling strange otherwise

I have this relationship

not sure how I acquired it

initially, I thought I came by it honestly, but doubt creeps in.

Odd how Tyler resigned himself to this relationship. I wonder if I am interchangeable, irrelevant, or otherwise a placeholder female. 

I’ll be another woman he once thought he’d marry, but doesn’t really care is gone. 

Those little daggers of thoughts stab at my happiness. I can get over anything. You know me; I try to stay ready. 

I’ll try to forgive myself for being so stupid as to almost believe. 

Internal Struggle

The reality of how terribly life is going 

vs.

The way hormones intensify all things negative 
In summation:

When you reflect on all the decisions you’ve made that led you to this point, then realize you never actively decided anything. THEN realize you’ve always been a loser, the only new thing is that you’re hormonal. 

Catharsis

One of the most painful songs, by far, to immerse myself in is “Hallelujah,” covered by Jeff Buckley in particular, of course. Honestly, the song is beautiful enough to tear up over with no personal meaning being drawn from it whatsoever.

Literally, there are probably a hundred songs or beyond that I grew to associate with Ashley in one regard or another, but this one stands out as one of the most poignant, one of the songs that takes me back and makes an emotional mess out of me.

We fucked to this song– little did I know the extent of what her own religious experience(s) would result in, how sharply these lyrics might align with my emotions in the long run.

My first experience with simultaneous orgasms was at the top of Mountain Street with her, at the particularly emotional, rather heart wrenching lines when Buckley begins to fucking belt out: “Hallelujah… Hallelujah…” It felt like the closest to a religious experience I’d ever had in my life: raw, emotional, unchained, pure bliss and adoration.

I’ll never be able to erase her expressions, the memory of her body convulsing on top of my convulsing body, skin on skin, understanding this strange fable of “becoming one.” Kissing as if we were breathing life into one another, drenched in sweat in the wee hours of a bitterly cold and windy winter morning.

“But remember when I moved in you, and the holy dove was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah?”

RSQ

I didn’t have my heart set on Red Square Agency, but that was the first agency to which I applied as a copywriter.

They shot me down cordially via email. The most offensive part is getting rejected by some bullshit automated reply.

This message may have been written by a copywriter, but BY GOD, it was sent my a robot.