Soap box of sorts

As you’ll recall, Dr. Porter taught us how to compare and contrast earlier this year. With as much seriousness as her ugly handbag vs. also ugly, but slightly larger handbag, I present to you: men vs. women (inspired by co-workers perpetually being involved in my personal life, asking which one bisexual people like more, why it’s “so hard to just pick one and stick with it,” etc.).

Men, stereotypically: Hairier. Probably less hygienic. Emotionally retarded. Brought up in a patriarchal society that automatically gives them an upper hand. More likely to throw something than to cry. Have testicles, which are admittedly very gross. May have foreskin, which is also gross (even though I try to recognize the anti-circumcision movement). Make uglier faces and grunts during orgasm. Are generally more interested in penetration than what makes sex actually fun for women. Many things will fall back on their convenient asset of a penis in said patriarchal society (repetitive, for emphasis). Align more with what society expects from me. Straight ones almost always find bisexuality sexy. Bisexual ones might be gay (note: I recognize my hypocrisy and ignorance). Can give me children in “the natural” sense, if that’s what I wanted. Are maybe still just people at the end of the day. Also more likely to give me a piggy back ride when I’m drunk though.

Women, stereotypically: socialized into a lack of body hair that borders on pedophilia. Have periods. May be more emotional than I am. Confuse me in the sense of wondering if I want to be them or be with them, at times (both???). Boobs. Wet vaginas are a hundred times less gross than ejaculation. Are not what my parents want me to bring home. May be able to drink even less than I can handle. Gay ones are often confused by bisexual ones. Bisexual ones are often too straight to not have another fucking awful, exploitative threesome with. Are also maybe just people at the end of the day. Seem to be more likely to acquiesce to a wider array of my drunken requests (may actually be more drunk than I am; may be less capable of driving). Greater sense of accomplishment from orgasm.

Bonus round. Me: believes sexuality is fluid and not as black and white as we’re conditioned to believe. Has never doubted her attraction to women, is not having a crisis, only tried to bury it and implement it within a lifestyle that still seemed straight to onlookers. Might hate men on principal, to some degree. Has genuinely loved a man. Always fantasized about women while with a man; doesn’t fantasize about men while with a woman.

To answer my co-workers’ questions: I, too, wish I were the queer guru you appear to imagine me to be.

At the end of the day, does it fucking matter?

(Note: despite my empty bitching, my co-workers were always and continue to be more supportive than I could have ever imagined, coming from this lady who formerly planned on never telling many people beyond her straight, white male fuckboy about any of that)