I’d like to add that I wouldn’t change a thing about my life, because I have Lily. I couldn’t have both Eric and Lily. I’m glad I have her. Maybe I will get some closure after all.
I had a dream about Eric today. We were in a car together at the beach. He drove us through the sand straight into the water. The waves thrashed the car about, and I guess he was smoking because he had the window cracked like so. The occasional wave would reach the opening, and water would pour in, but instead of rolling up the window, he braced his arm against the crack. I became terrified.
I screamed for him to reverse the car out of the ocean before we get sucked under. As if the idea never occurred to him, he agreed and drove us out.
Next thing I know we are sharing a sofa. I ask him over and over why his wife left him. I think hard about telling him how I’ve never gotten over him, but can’t find the words or the balls. He never tells me why she left. I don’t tell him I love him.
I had a dream in which I came home to blood everywhere again.
It primarily took place in an attic that had three walls made of wood paneling and one that was made entirely of glass panes that were screwed into place. In the dream itself, I wondered how one screws glass into place and why someone wouldn’t just use the stairs or maybe break the glass or screw a pane out if they were trying so desperately to get out; certainly not claw at the wood paneling, making the scene even bloodier. As I looked at the chips and huge chunks of paneling that had been clawed away, I thought that it resembled the aftermath of a rabid animal rather than a human.
Not proud of yourself
For Hanging on to Five-year-old words & pictures
A five-year-old ache inside
That same empty doorframe staring menacingly back at you
While I rest peacefully inside someone else.
Today, an attractive boy (he looked younger than me–maybe 21ish) checked me out at Walmart. Despite his lossful employment, his unique name urged me to look him up on Facebook.
Curiosity is a fickle lover.
His profile revealed that he is really into anime/manga and cosplay bullshit.
I guess I deserved that.
The way Lily is unaffected by the nurse sticking her thermometer in her butt makes me wonder: is feeling violated when getting poked in the anus a social construct?