K.O.

Glass of wine in hand, cats in lap, I finally felt adventerous (see also: lonely, horny lol) enough to play on some dating apps.

A few minutes in and I’ve decided girls younger than me are the only ones using this shit (and still aren’t doable), that the worst thing ever is couples looking for a threeway, and that I actually do have no interest in hanging with or hooking up with some dude at all anymore, or at this point, or something.

“Bye, Felicia,” as the kids say.

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The Saga Continues

While I was at work today, my roommate’s boyfriend moved his shit into the house (including guns) without my permission. Got home to this unpleasant surprise and eventually had a talk with Alyssa after I managed to calm the fuck down a tad about how he’s not fucking moving in, no ands ifs or buts about it, and that I’m highly offended that the two of them were already acting like it was a sealed deal and a-okay.

She proceeded to agree, then freak out with anxiety over knowing she has to tell him, got super drunk (already bad for anyone in such a circumstance, but especially for a person with such rampant mental issues and drinking problems), had a breakdown. By the end of the night her boyfriend connected the dots and realized he wouldn’t be moving in and we at least convinced him to get the guns the fuck out of the house tonight because she had been talking with him about just wanting to pull the trigger sometimes.

Pissed off, I left for a while. Came back to Alyssa all puffy eyed, but better, on the front porch aone.

Sit and hash some things out for a minute, then she drunkenly lays some new info on me out of nowhere, because she’s fucking sloppy drunk and I guess maybe honest for once: seems there was another girl in the picture for Ashley.

So with that in mind, one of two things is/ was going on: 1) could be a lie (or fabricated truth, exaggeration, assumption… Who knows???) 2) if it’s definitely true, she hid it from me and covered it up on purpose and that’s just so, so wrong and hurtful.

I feel like tonight is such a huge reversion after working so hard to cope and carry on.

Ouch. Ouch, in so many regards.

VHS baby

When I was 13, my best friend met Corey Edwards in an AOL chat room. She introduced us. We spent major time online, then on the phone. I met his friends via AIM & livejournal- including Keslie.

Our friendship kicked off with making one another art & her taping the L word for me.

 

 

 

 

Minor side plots in my soap opera life

My roommate for sure, no chance of return whatsoever, was fired.

She told us, once again, that she was starting at Starbucks today. Of course, that was a lie and bills are still unpaid.

She’s currently out shopping with the 15 year old gay boy who ran away from home to our house last night after his dad hit him and told him to get out.

Harboring a runaway, hey oh.

Meanwhile, my primary sources of happiness lately are expanding my record collection and watching The L Word.

“Healing”

I think I might be closer to this so-called beginnings of a healing process.

My life has been too shocking and stressful, too much of a whirlwind, to begin to process everything that has happened in the past 6 months, even now.

I still feel lonely, but feel some small spark within me begging to be ignited; certainly not by thowing myself into any other people again.

Scarier: by finding and pursuing more passions for myself, by developing a deep love for my own self.

Still, as exciting as it may be in so many regards, living my life for myself and truly, completely loving and accepting myself seems like the scariest thing I’ve ever faced sometimes.

Case in point. I needed to.

The end 

The baby daddy doesn’t want to pay even $200 a month in child support. I guess he can’t fathom how it could take that much money to raise a child? Well, he’s an idiot. It takes a hell of a lot more than that. 

So in lieu of EVERYTHING he has done & the even MORE that he has NOT done, I will no longer be answering his phone calls or involving him in Lily’s life. 

If he wants to be part of her life, he will take me to court for paternal rights… But he likely won’t do that because he doesn’t believe he owes me any child support. Also, he only wants to see her once every ten days or so, anyway.

My heart and my head are heavy and dizzy with this decision, but I need either freedom from his bullshit or for him to be a real help, and this is the only way I see either one happening. 

The lowest of lows

Years from now, I think I might be able to laugh when I get drunk and am inevitably like:

“So let me tell yooooou, about this one 6ish month time frame in which I found the courage to leave someone who treated me like shit and tried to stick his dick in everything (including people I’d befriended and his technical cousin, yay!), couchsurfed, momentarily fucked some friendships up, fell in real lesbians with a girl for the first time, made the bad choice of moving to the ghetto where I was constantly scared of the new dangers afoot outside my door as well as the dangers in my home via my new roomie attempting suicide multiple times (just within the first 2 months or so), struggled in school because I found myself still not able to “just focus on myself” after all had been said and done, came out the closet to mixed reviews, then got dumped a week later by the girl who’d asked me to wait for her, which I has patiently built up in my head to cope with so many unexpected hardships and she had all of like maybe 10 or 20 days left after months of waiting, on the same day my roommate/ co-worker lost her job, completely fucking me over on rent and bills and fucking with my sense of comfort yet again, making me so sure I’d be back to being pathetic and couchsurfing, and now with the idea in mind that I was alienated and lacking in very many real friendships and plagued with low self-worth and depression again, wooooooooo buddy. At least being afraid of gunshots every night was a nice reminder that I didn’t want to die!”